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Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce

by Katherine E. Stoner, Attorney-Mediator

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Summary

The all-in-one guide that shows couples how to end a marriage, fairly and inexpensively.

Can you really have a civilized divorce? Ending a marriage is always difficult, but it need not be defined by financial or emotional conflict. Avoid huge legal bills and jockeying lawyers while protecting your kids -- turn to Divorce Without Court for help.

The book guides you through a negotiated divorce, using divorce mediation or a new approach called "collaborative divorce." Encouraging and straightforward, Divorce Without Court explains:

• how mediation works
• how collaborative divorce works
• how to use either to end a marriage
• how to maximize opportunities for settlement
• how to get an agreement in writing
• how to find and use advisors

Divorce Without Court provides the latest resources, contact information for state offices, national and regional organizations, and clear examples of what you can expect.

Press Reviews

"Finally -- a realistic and balanced approach to getting divorced without costly court battles. This accessible book takes divorcing couples through the entire process." Gary Friedman, author of A Guide to Divorce Mediation

"A person considering divorce could not have a more valuable resource than Divorce Without Court. A comprehensive, step-by-step guide through the process for people who want to avoid the expense and damage of litigation." Chip Rose, author of Collaborative Family Law Practice

Table of Contents

I. Introduction

Why Mediate or Collaborate? Consider the Alternative
Divorce Decision Continuum
Why Mediation or Collaboration Can Be Your Best Option
Getting the Most out of This Book
Definitions
Icons

1. The Role of Mediation and Collaborative Law in the Divorce Process

The Four Divorces
Keeping It Simple: The Uncontested Divorce
Beyond the Basics: The Contested Divorce
Long-Term Effects of a Contested Legal Divorce
Mediation and Collaboration: A Different Way to Divorce

2. What Happens in Mediation

An Overview of Mediation
Introductory Stage
Information-Gathering Stage
Framing Stage
Negotiating Stage
Concluding Stage
Assessing the Cost of Robert and Fran's Mediation

3. What Happens in a Collaborative Divorce

An Overview of Collaborative Divorce
Introductory Stage
Information-Gathering Stage
Framing Stage
Negotiating Stage
Concluding Stage
Assessing the Cost of Cole and Traci's Collaborative Divorce
Traci and Cole's Divorce Agreement

4. Deciding to Mediate or Collaborate

Is Mediation or Collaboration Right for You?
It Takes Two to Tango
Comparing Mediation and Collaborative Divorce
Mediation vs. Collaboration: Factors to Consider in Choosing the Right Approach
Making Your Choice

5. Proposing Mediation or Collaboration

When to Propose Mediation or Collaborative Divorce
Who Should Propose Mediation or Collaboration?
How to Propose Mediation or Collaborative Divorce
Dos and Don'ts of Proposing Mediation or Collaboration
Sample Letter Proposing Mediation
Sample Letter Proposing Collaborative Divorce

6. Finding a Mediator

Shortcut to Finding the Right Mediator
Qualified Mediators: What to Look For
Finding the Right Fit
Who Provides Mediation Services
Making a List of Potential Mediators
Checking It Twice: Screening and Interviewing Potential Mediators
Interviewing and Selecting a Mediator

7. Finding a Collaborative Attorney

Shortcut to Finding the Right Collaborative Attorney
Qualified Attorneys: What to Look For
Finding the Right Fit
Making a List of Potential Lawyers
Checking It Twice: Screening and Interviewing Potential Lawyers
Interviewing and Selecting a Collaborative Lawyer

8. Using Advisers and Doing Legal Research

How and When to Use Advisers in Mediation
Friends, Romans, and Countrymen
Legal Adviser
Counselor
Financial Adviser
Specialized Advisers
Coordinating Your Advisers
Finding Answers to Legal Questions: Legal Research Online and Off
Law Libraries
Legal Research on the Internet
Additional Legal Research on the Web

9. Getting Started on Information-Gathering

Step One: Remember Vital Statistics
Step Two: Assess Your Children's Needs
Step Three: Locate and Copy Important Documents
Step Four: Inventory Your Assets and Debts
Step Five: Summarize Your Income and Make a Budget
Step Six: Pause to Reflect

10. Preparing for and Making the Most of the First Session

Getting Ready
The First Mediation Session
Mediator Approaches and Styles
Mediator Neutrality and Bias
Confidentiality of the Mediation
Agreement to Mediate
Take Time to Make Notes

11. Evaluating Your Progress in Mediation or Collaborative Divorce

Evaluating the Decision to Mediate or Use Collaborative Divorce
Monitoring Your Progress

12. Communicating in Mediation or Collaborative Divorce

What Is Communication?
What Can Go Wrong in Communications?
Tips for Good Communication
Tips for Communicating About Problems
Handling Strong Emotions in Communication

13. Negotiating in Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

We Negotiate All the Time
What Makes for a Successful Negotiation?
Prepare for the Negotiation
Negotiate Clearly, Firmly, and Respectfully

14. Court-Sponsored Mediation

Types of Court-Sponsored Mediation Programs
How Court-Sponsored Mediation Works
Voluntary Mediation: To Try or Not?
Mandatory Mediation: Opting Out
If You Can't Opt Out of Mandatory Mediation
Preparing for Court-Sponsored Mediation
Attending the Mediation Session
After the Mediation Session

15. Encountering Difficulties in Mediation and Collaboration

Four-Step Approach to Dealing With Difficulties
Discrepancies Between This Book and Your Experience
Delays and Disconnects
Tantrums and Other "Bad" Behavior
Extreme Discomfort in Mediation
Impasse: Negotiation Hits a Brick Wall
Last-Minute Changes and Demands
Dealing With Persistent Problems
Leaving Mediation Without Burning Your Bridges
Where There's a Will, There's a Way

16. Writing Up the Agreement

Interim or Temporary Agreements
Partial Agreements
Why Put Interim and Partial Agreements in Writing?
Writing Up the Final Settlement

17. Women and Men in Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

Historical Background
Gender and Mandatory Mediation
Gender and Voluntary Mediation
Common Gender-Related Obstacles

18. Unmarried Couples in Mediation and Collaboration

Untying the Nonmarital Knot: Opportunities and Pitfalls
Successful Mediation or Collaborative Separation

19. Mediation and Collaboration After Divorce

Dealing With Changes in the Divorce Agreement
Mediating New Relationship Issues

Appendix

Index

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