I'm not quite sure where to begin. I know this past week has been a mess, and it's been both of our faults. I'm not just directing that at you. I have had ten million things run through my mind the past few days, and I am going to try and get a few of them out right now.
For one, I do cherish your friendship. Like I said in one of my messages, you and I have shared conversations about our lives and our families that I would never share with anyone else. The main reason for that is because I trust you, and you listen to me, as I do to you. I can say that I have had some of the most wonderful times with you that I have ever had in my entire life--so much laughing and smiling. I had told you once before that when you speak, I hold onto every word that comes out of your mouth. It's like it's engraved in the back of my mind forever. I don't know why you have that effect on me. Maybe it's the fact that we've become such good friends. To be quite honest with you, I don't trust people very easily anymore, and I could probably say the same for you. I think that is why I did let that wall down and let you into my life and my heart--because I felt safe. So let me ask you, why do you think that I'm building it back up?
Let me explain a little what I want in my life. I want someone to share my laughter and my fears. Someone to listen and to be there when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, and I want to give that same courtesy back to them in return. I don't need someone standing at my door waiting for me to get home, or to be around constantly, because that makes me a little jittery. I do think that since you and I have spent so much in-depth time together, I have become a little dependent on you being there and wanting to talk to you. That doesn't necessarily mean seeing you every day, or talking to you in a three-hour phone call, just the reassurance of knowing that you are still there. "Hi, how are you. How was your day"...just stuff like that. Is that too much for you? It sometimes feels like you only call when you know I am upset. It seems like you hardly ever call just because you want to.
You tell me how important it is to you to have me in your life, but as what? Then you say that if I would find someone who makes me happy, you wouldn't want to hold me back from that. Don't you understand how happy I am with you? When you say things like that, it just confuses me. I'm not sure how you differentiate between a relationship and a friendship, but I am going to tell you how I separate the two.
For one, I don't spend the weekends with my friends, holding them, talking to them, being intimate, that's just not me. It never has been and never will be. The things that we've shared (and again this is just the way I think--you might disagree), the things that have been between us have been very special to me. They go beyond friendship. Like the night we went to Hetaeras; the way you looked at me, and just the feeling that I get when I am around you. Little do you know whether you want to admit it or not, we have been in a relationship.
You yourself have even said that it was the only relationship that has been this special to you, and you've never been so happy. So let yourself be happy, but you have to give a little in return. You have seen the type of person I am, and all that I want to give. I do that for two reasons. For one, it makes you happy; and for two, some people have never gotten a chance to be treated that way, and I think everyone in their life should experience it just once. I wanted you to experience it. Making you happy, seeing you happy...I truly enjoyed that. Well, it's my turn for me to say, I've never been treated like that, and I want to be. I want to feel like I am a special person, that the person I am with enjoys being with me, and in return they clearly show it. Not just meaning physically, but in other ways too. I need to know that someone wants me to be as happy as I want to make them.
I feel like you want me around, but you don't want to put out the effort that would be involved with having a relationship. You enjoy what I give you and don't want to lose me, but you don't want to give much in return. A friendly relationship relieves you of the pressures of a romantic or intimate relationship. I think that is why you stress being just friends. That's fine if that is what you want. But you have to understand what friendship is. Friendship still involves giving and taking. You still call friends and you still hang out with friends. But friendship doesn't involve intimacy. I can't have you hugging me and kissing me. You can't expect us to spend the night together. Friends certainly don't have sex.
As far as intimacy goes, I am not physically intimate with you because it's a need. I am intimate because I'm just showing you how much I enjoy being with you and having you in my life. When I hug you or kiss you, it's my way of showing you that I do, in fact, care about you, yes, as a friend, but also as a lot more.
How do you want us to be? You have to make a decision. We can be friends or we can continue exploring our relationship. But if we are working on the relationship, I expect you to show me your feelings. Show me what I mean to you. Don't just tell me when you are afraid I will leave you. I need to know you want me to stay by your actions. I need to know that you respect my feelings and that you understand them. I need you to give a part of your life to me and not expect that I will do all the work in the relationship.
Do you understand now what it takes to have a relationship? It is simple. Give back to me the things I do for you and the way I make you feel. Well, not even that much. But give something in return. Do something special for me. Just think about what you would like me to do for you and do it for me. Think about what would make me smile and do it. Anything worthwhile involves a little work. Is it worth it to you? Is our relationship worth enough for you to put forth some effort to make me happy the way I work to make you happy?
If it isn't, I understand. In the beginning, I don't think either one of wanted a real relationship, but it looks like one developed anyway. If it developed because I pushed you into it, then I am sorry. I'll back off.
I can't continue seeing you and still feel the way that I feel lately. You give me a mixture of extreme happiness--together with confusion.